The retreat that wasn't

Despite my best intentions, I am not winning the life game balance of managing phd and, well, everything else. I finally turned in the last paper of the semester, marking two years complete in the program. Now that I have a moment to breathe, I can catch up on some emails, blog posts and writing of my own direction. 

The semesters seem to get more intense and meeting deadlines ever more difficult. I've had to ask for an extension twice, suffered through multiple bouts of self-doubt and battled thoughts of quitting. Thoughts of quitting don't really gain much ground, but I do spend time wondering why exactly I decided to do this and if the supposed pay-off is really worth the time and effort. I realize the pay off is the personal growth that occurs through the journey- always worth the time and effort right? The hardest experiences lead to the deepest change, or something like that. 

It was in the midst of crisis, deep avoidance and an outright inability to put word to page that I set out for a writer's retreat to Kisantu, home of the botanical gardens and sweet tales of a little village hosting quaint hotels with beautiful views. 

I'd done some web research and was seduced by this page, authored by teachers I used to work with during my round one phase of living in Congo. I figured I could take their word for it- coupled with a few other sites I browsed. I imagined passing one whole day sitting in the gardens, typing away, and evenings sipping strong coffee in dim lighting, writing, writing, writing. I may have romanced the possibility a bit, but that's necessary when trying to complete a doctoral preliminary literature review. I needed it to be romantic and intimate, focused and productive. All of the things it wasn't. 

The first mistake was thinking I had time to pass by an art show at the marché de liberté in Masina. The show itself was ok. There was some pretty impressive music by a group of school kids- marching band drums, soulful horns, cymbals on time. They were good. Dancers included a traditional group with raffia skirts, a fire dancer complete with flaming torch down the pants (what does it say about me that this is old news by now? I am marginally impressed by watching a guy thrust a flaming stick down the front of his skirt. I am always more worried the raffia will catch on fire and wonder what the trick is for avoiding that.) There was also a performance artist covered in slick oil turning his body midnight black. He found me in the crowd and came over for some intense eye contact while he mimicked my stance. All in great fun. 

Marionette dancing to drums

Participants and collectif members

I had a chance to meet the emcee, an enthusiastic woman who is known for covering traditional arts and who gave me a shout out goodbye over the mic when it was time to go. I also met a woman balafon player- which seems rare in itself, but especially so in Congo- who works with a center serving young kids. I am very interested in following through on that opportunity. The Minister of Culture made an appearance and I got a tour of the artwork, complete with symbolic analysis by the artist himself. It was a worthwhile experience. 

But it put me behind. By the time I found a mini-bus heading in the direction of the central station it was early afternoon. A man in a few seats in front of me turned and said, "Ntongo" which proved to be a prophetic warning. "One should really leave first thing in the morning if you're going to Kisantu."

When I arrived at the terminal, I found one bus full and a taxi with one passenger. This meant waiting for others to appear. The driver planned 4 in the back and 2 in the front. It could be hours. It was hours. As deadlines came and went, I decided that if we weren't on the road by 4pm I would just cancel my trip. Go home and write in my room. I'd already spent the entire day in transit of one form or another, in limbo, waiting, not writing. 

By 4 o'clock however, I'd already paid and getting my money back was impossible. The original taxi we'd been waiting in turned out to be 'en panne' and we had to switch over to another. (And just before leaving, we stopped, in the rain, to give the battery a boost...not sure if that was the only source of the breakdown. Things are always just slightly less than clear.)

We were finally on the road. The long, winding, mountainous road to Kisantu. Simply put, the ride was terrifying. The chauffeur drove way too fast for the wet, curvy roads. He passed other cars often, sending us into the oncoming lane, which is not unusual for Congo driving, but in the dark, around the turns- it was breath stopping. I do admit part of my terror stemmed from the fact that my eyesight is particularly bad at night and distance is hard to gauge. I was sitting in the front and cars appeared much closer than they actually were (maybe. I am sure some of the close calls were pretty darn close.) I also don't spend much time in the car over long distance. City traffic is slow and halting. I am now completely unaccustomed to high speeds and so motion sickness likely played a part as well. 

The driver made several pitstops along the way- once to collect money from a debt owed, once to buy bread, once for an unclear reason.  The bread scene, reminiscent of my very first bread scene, was even more hectic than the chauffeur's driving. Women were pushing and shoving each other, stuffing bread in the car, and calling out prices. One woman even threw a small bag at the young guy sitting next to me. The chauffeur had had enough by this time and was zooming off. The young man, who'd already bought his share of bread and hadn't really asked for the flying rolls, didn't know what to do. He threw 1000fc out the window, calling out, "Ehh, Mama..." The occupants exploded into laughter at the craziness of it all. 

Despite the death defying feats and unexplained stops, our ride was punctuated by heated exchanges ending in laughter. Most of the time it was quiet, or the chauffeur went on and on about some tale or another. It became apparent he'd been drinking and was full of that over-confidence that comes with being in one's territory and feeling like a king. I closed my eyes, put my head down, and gave over control. There was nothing more to be done. I understood a lot about the sense of resignation that Congolese must feel on an everyday basis. I also understood a lot about bad decisions and how to avoid them in the future. 

I was torn at times between engaging the chauffeur in conversation and keeping quiet. I'd been stuffed into a carnival ride against my best interests and simply wanted it to be over. At one point, I glanced up to find he was shuffling through CDs, looking for the next great hit to play. He'd been alternating between singing and telling us about his life story- "I only have 3 kids, madame, like you Europeans. Can you believe that? It is not enough..." Keeping my mouth shut proved impossible and I asked if he could watch the road and not the music. This resulted in a huge monologue about his competence as a driver, his familiarity with the road, and his desire that I, a mundele, not be scared in his taxi. Exactly the reaction I'd wanted to avoid. The kind of response that leads to actually speeding up, just to show how competent he really is and swerving with even more zeal, just to show how in control of the car he is. I prayed a tire wouldn't give out. 

Nearing our destination, we stopped to let one of the women drop off a printer she'd been charged with delivering. It had caused her a lot of grief at departure, where they wanted to charge her more for transporting an obviously high cost, precious item. She spent a little too long (not longer than the bread stop, surely not longer than the 30 minute debt collection stop) and the taxi driver actually sped off without her. I was amazed even as the other ladies exploded into laughter. I have to assume she was close to her final destination. 

I got out on a dark street in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere. A taxi moto pulled up and offered to take me somewhere. My stomach was racing with the anxiety of the trip and thoughts of having to go  through it all over again to get home. I asked the driver to take me directly to the hotel, which turned out to be a few kilometers up the road. 

And not exactly like website promised. Of course, my former colleagues had published their site a few years before and all information on the internet is subject to change. I felt like a gap-year backpacker walking up the steps to the hotel, pulling open the creaky iron gate and peeking around for hotel staff. Luckily, I found someone at the desk, though it seemed like a chance meeting. There was a room available, sparse but clean with mosquito net. No restaurant.

My dreams of sipping an endless cup of tea and typing away to the chatter of birds instantly evaporated. He offered to send someone to find some bread and sardines for me, if I wanted. I didn't. I had traveled with a few small items and enough water to get me to morning. I sat down to work, exhausted, stomach still rolling with anxiety. I fell asleep to the lull of big trucks barreling down the roadway and some drunken neighbors fighting. 

Beautiful grounds, beautiful exteriors: appeared to 
be mostly home to long term renters now with an
occasional room or apartment suite available

I needed a plan for the morning. I'd wasted nearly an entire day and the deadline remained. I woke early, wrote for about 2 hours and went in search of transportation. The hotel clerk was friendly, smiling and gracious. Excellent service. He hailed me a moto, negotiated the price and sent me on my way. The return car filled quickly in the morning hour, with merely a small dispute about price before we were on our way. 

The drive began with horn honking and trail blazing zeal. I was in the second row this time and ready to just close my eyes and will a positive outcome. Not long outside of the village center, we passed an overturned tractor truck. A crowd was gathered on the opposite side of the road around a motorcycle and rider. There was no ambulance on the way. That is really the stressful part of reckless riding. I had been able to give my destiny over to the universe, but I was still afraid of suffering. There is no rapid response team (or even a slow response team) to arrive on scene. The thought of being thrown out of a car and laying a ditch for hours or even days is downright disturbing. 

The chauffeur was smartly influenced by the scene and the rest of the ride passed calmly. I was able to gaze out the window at the passing countryside, enjoying the beauty of the green earth and blue sky. While my retreat was not one of the writing kind, it did offer the opportunity to see life in a new way.

My kitchen never seemed sweeter, my tea never tasted creamier, and my desk never felt cozier. Despite the retreat that wasn't, I met all my deadlines and am another year closer to PhinisheD. A preview of next semester tells me the most interesting part is yet to come.

Ambushed

Kinshasa continues to break my heart in a way that no one or nothing else will. Unfathomable. Things haven't changed much- or rather I should say, the things that have changed don't much matter and the things that matter haven't changed for the better. The problems seem all the more grand and insurmountable; the progress seems barely a drop in the ocean. 

In the last few weeks I have continued to be welcomed into the community. I have basked in the friendly open smiles that greet me, the waves and greetings from a distance, the sound of my name from faces I mostly remember- though they have taken the time to remember my name, my children and to ask after each of them. 

I try to nurture these relationships, to stop and say hello. Inquire about family. Make some small talk about livelihoods and future prospects. It is not my strong point. Several times, I have been ambushed. It's usually on a Monday.

The leading question is innocent enough. How was your weekend? The fact that the answers come long, honest, and full of a reality I don't quite know what to do with, suggests just how far things have deteriorated. People are not even able to put up pretenses. They are tired. Beyond tired. Sick and tired. Or just plain sick. There is no more "au rhythm du pays" which served as a kind of code for, I'm doing as best I can, considering the state of the country. 

Now I am assaulted with stories of weekends spent searching for water, searching for cooking gas, searching for school fees. Weekends spent sitting inside and outside hospitals while children suffer from nameless maladies or burns that aren't being healed properly. This last one, the story of today, lingers heavily. "It's like they don't know how to treat her. They are not doing a good job." He's told me the story of his daughter who was cooking and spilled the pot, burning her toes. She's been in the hospital for a week. He's lost confidence in the doctors but doesn't have much choice in her placement. I remember that he and his wife had lost a little boy,  a one year old succumbed to malaria before he'd even had a chance to get home and whisk him off to the hospital. I don't know what to do with his latest story. I hold it, paralyzed. My mind is the only thing capable of movement. It races towards answers that don't exist. I force out a feeble response. Something about prayers and keeping your family in my thoughts. 

It's not the first story to throw a gray cloud over what had been an afternoon of sunshine and warmth, and I know it won't be the last. I do admit I've caught myself wondering if I should even ask. A little voice suggests I just keep walking, a breezy ça va? or maybe even a boni? and continue on my way. I don't listen to that voice.  I stop. I pause. I hear the stories, even if all I can do for now is to hold them, awkwardly juggling the raw humanity. Its sacred, this sharing, and as much as I don't know exactly what to do with it, I feel obliged to push aside my discomfort and be present.  

There will be a place to put these stories one day soon. A place to lay them out in the sunshine and invite the world to see. A place to organize and analyze and problem solve. A place to paint life into each numbing circumstance. I hope by then it will be a place of healing. 

For all the anguish Kinshasa inspires, I desperately want to see something take hold and transform her into a power capable of reaching the fullest potential. I feel as though we are once again standing on the edge of something big. If I could will it into being...

Fancy dance moves

 We are finally back, finally free of quarantine and venturing into the world that is. Our little corner of Kinshasa is already offering up tales. The girl is super impressed with all of the trees and the forest walks. It's hard not to be impressed. 

We've begun our nanny search and I was remembering how it took 3 tries for Nabih. I was also remembering how conversations go, how topics get approached and opinions traded. I had a feeling that nanny number one wouldn't work out. She couldn't get to campus on time because she lives a bit too far away and the traffic...always the traffic. 

We spent the first day talking about the essentials, and I told to her to take some time to think about whether it would fit her schedule or not. Oddly, we have a "match-maker" who is supposed to be vetting someone for the position. He asked me what I needed in terms of help- hours, days, duties- and called me saying he'd "found a match." I guess it is always a match. Except when it isn't. This whole thing sounds easy enough to fix- oooh, you need someone on Saturday? No, no I am not available on Saturday. You need someone early in the morning? No, no I can't come in early. Fine enough, thanks for your interest. 

Except the conversation could never really go that way in Congo. The conversation starts like this...

"I have been doing this job for many years. Twenty years, you could say. I have worked for many people. First the Germans, then the Americans. To care for a child requires sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. You must make sure the child is happy and the family is happy....." And it went on in this way. About sacrifice and duty and experience.  A long speech full of grand concepts about motherhood and giving and working, and sacrifice. Lots of sacrifice. 

No, no I don't want to be part of that, I thought. I am just looking for someone to care for the girl, maybe play with her a bit, maybe clean a bit. She won't always be happy, so need to stress over that. But I do need someone to come on time. It took about 15 minutes and a digression about whether the school year started in August or September this year, before we got around to the point of time. And even then she never said I can't. Because in Congo, you always can. 

Rather she said, perhaps there is one of these mamas who live closer to campus. And they can come. She's completely right and I knew it would come to this the night before. I just forgot how it would come to this. Not simply or directly. But full of flowers and perfume and fancy dance moves. 

Happily, luckily, she said she had planned to come for the next few days until I can find someone else. Because the answer really is always yes in Congo, even when it isn't. 

Not wasting a wish

I lost the month of August in between the cushions of the couch. It nestled in among the lost hair ties and cracker crumbs. It took refuge in what-ifs and maybes and some-days. September is threatening to do the same. 

It's been over a month since we were first supposed to leave. Our original flight was scheduled back in July. The suitcases were packed and the apartment cleaned. Of course, over the course of August, things have gradually found a way out from behind the zippers and emerged into our daily life again. The clean apartment has reverted to it's lived in, cluttered appearance.

I keep remembering these articles about how and why time distorts when we are not making active new memories. Life in lockdown looks pretty much the same every day. I have been starting to get the sense that other people are having a lot more liveliness than we are, but after closer conversations I learn it is mostly not true. And after closer reflection, I remember all the events we have experienced, albeit through our computer screen. (Graduation in the palm of a hand, phd residency #4, Mexico through my daughter's eyes...) 

The anticipation of finally reaching our destination is tempered a bit by the realization that upon arrival we will be isolated again. No community welcome. No exploring the grounds or checking out the classroom. Just more staying home. It's not terrible most of the time. My studies keep me too busy to focus on much else anyway. But it's become downright awkward to still be on the campus of a school I no longer work at. 

We're still here. Still waiting. Trying to manage the complex unification of airline schedules, covid testing turn around time and figuring out how to pay for it all in a country that eschews cash. 

In the meantime, the girl has lost her first tooth. After reading Throw Your Tooth on the Roof: Tooth Traditions from Around the World, she has decided to go for the wish. We wanted to throw the tooth on a roof, but all the roofs are too high. I suggested we throw it off the 7th floor balcony, which has been the site of many long afternoons building, creating and storytelling. She vetoed that idea. 

In the end, we decided to bury the tooth by a coconut palm near the swings. What place could be more magical than the swings? 

                

First wish

I am sure she didn't waste her wish on getting out of Lagos. That would be a mom thing to do. We'll get out of here eventually. It just requires more patience. Lessons of 2020.

Identity tree- a found poem from an academic essay

The search for personal identity is an ever evolving 
   life long journey. 
Like trees, we develop rings of growth that respond 
  and reflect our environmental conditions, 
reaching and bending to the direction of the sun 
shedding and conserving in times of drought 
expanding and sheltering 
producing fruit in times of plenty. 
The inner personal identity cannot be separated
  from the community
even in exclusion or exile or abandonment; 
the inner identity develops according to absence 
  or lack 
or prolific abundance. 

Travel Advisory- a found poem

I found this poem in my inbox

which is filling up with notices.

Email after email on the state of the world
Crime, civil unrest, kidnapping
All the countries that I love
filling up with what seems like unusual levels of
armed robbery, roadblocks, military checkpoints,
demonstrations that turn violent
heavy-handed police tactics
resulting in civilian casualties or death-
but the breathing kind of death
that comes from being shot in a crowd of angry masses
hurling rocks and threatening to overthrow the government.
Not the death that comes from buying candy, or an evening jog
Not the death that comes from selling cigarettes or CDs
Or walking in the rain, talking on the phone
Or sleeping in your very own bed.

My inbox is filling up with notices
Suggesting actions you should take:
Appoint someone to talk to hostage-takers,
media, government agencies, and members of Congress
should you be kidnapped or detained
Establish proof of life protocol
and leave DNA samples with your medical provider
for ease of access in case your family needs it
Most of all, if asked to stop by police,
Stop only in well-lit areas or where many officers are present

I wonder who is sending out the advisory on the US?
Canada, Europe, and the beautiful places.

But even these advisories do not say

the things that need to be said. 

Rainbows in the sink and fun other stuff

This is lame. It's a lame post with the same old excuse. I am once again feeling like there simply isn't time for writing here. There isn't the same set of inspirations. After twelve years, my environments don't seem so new anymore. In fact, it is often with an eye toward America that I find the unusual and perplexing.

I don't want to give up. I am not quite ready to do that and figure if I can somehow keep small threads hanging together,  I will eventually return with something bigger and better. For now, most of my better thinking gets directed towards my studies. I am required to have such an abundance of ideas and connections between ideas that trying to write something simple yet interesting here feels challenging.

I am taking another creative writing class this term, a memoir and identity class. I find a lot of my writing resembles the writing I used to do here, only with slightly different subject matter. And I miss it- coming here to ramble on about a personal observation that can be neatly tied up in a few paragraphs, complete with a photo or two, occasionally alluding to a more universal truth. I feel certain that returning Congo might restore my ability to write here, not just write, but write well. Nothing compares to Congo.

But we're still stuck in Lagos. We've had tickets booked, cancelled, rebooked, recancelled. We have no visas yet, after more than a month of waiting. There is timing to stress over as covid test results need to be less then 72 hours before flying. Airports are not open here, but opening there.  It's all an exercise in patience and calm. I cannot rage against an invisible virus.

I do think about the adjustment. We've been isolated on campus here for almost 6 months and that means we've settled into some routines. We've gotten to know our apartment well. I will not miss it a bit, I often think as I dream of the sunlight streaming through the jungle. And then, occasionally, I recognize that some things here are just a bit luxurious. And maybe I am not taking proper time to really appreciate them.

Here's a list of the random things around my home that are perplexing, unusual or obnoxiously plush.

The dryer falls under all three categories. It took awhile to figure out. Some of the single teachers have a washer/dryer- as in a combo machine that does both. I am not referring to a stacked model, where one sits on top of the other and each have their own doors and clothes space. No, I mean one machine, one door, one turning cylinder to hold the clothes. And yet somehow, it manages to spit water or hot air through the pipes. We don't have that one, which would also fit all three categories.

We have two separate machines, though I rarely use the dryer- preferring the clothes to hang dry. When we do use the dryer, we need to empty the lint trap as well as the water well. I've never seen such a dryer before, and honestly, hadn't even considered the science behind it all.

Super long drawer

Collects water from the clothes

The second item on my list is not really unusual, but it is freakishly convenient. Our oversize stove has both gas burners and electric options. It's genius for those who cook indoors. I prefer the gas burners, and when the electric is out, it's the obvious choice. However, for those times when the propane runs out- always in the deep evening while dinner is cooking, the propane never seems to run out in the middle of the day for some reason- it is easy to switch to the electric burner. Overloaded convenience (except of course if you are cooking pizza, in which case, you're completely out of luck.) I have been reminded more than once of the sagas filling the propane tank in Abidjan. There are absolutely zero worries about that here. I do not need to lug my tank to the corner store. I do not need to struggle with a valve that's been turned too tight. No calling the neighborhood kids to find me a tool or help with the refilling.

On the other hand, when I am cooking pizza, which I often am when the gas runs out, there are no options for quick refilling. Like instantaneously quick. I remember moments in Bamako when, if needed,  I could throw the empty tank into the back of my car and head out for an immediate exchange. The security guard on duty was always willing to lend a hand bringing it in, or wrestle with a stubborn valve. But I was able to resolve my issue within 15 minutes and get my dinner cooking again.

Here, there are no pretenses to independence. We are small children. We are not allowed to touch the gas. Some colleagues even balked at having gas. "Isn't it dangerous?" they wondered. "What if someone blows us all up?" they queried. And I wondered exactly what kind of people I'd surrounded myself with. My concerns grew deeper when, during the first months of school our generator went out for good and required a major repair. We lost electricity for a solid week. One of the first few days I showed up at school with a mug of hot tea only to have a fellow teacher light up with joy thinking the electricity was back. When I sadly shook my head, she wondered how I had gotten hot water. I had no idea what she was talking about. With my stove, of course. Apparently she didn't know it could be lit with a match. You don't need the electric clicking feature to light the stove. Manual works just fine.

I remembered my Bamako days with no electric clicker. Lighting the stove is no problem but lighting the oven can be trickier. I had perfected the paper roll, not too tight, not too loose, wound just enough to catch the flame and burn slow and long, reaching into the well for a controlled woosh, pop, flame. Inside cooking is a breeze. Charcoal lighting...that's the real challenge.

Gas-electric combo with 6! burners

I have continued to be amazed at how many of the people here have little knowledge of Africa. Many don't even know the border countries. When I talk about places I have lived, they're not sure if those are even in Africa. I am stunned, disappointed, perplexed. How can you be living somewhere and not take the time to know where you are exactly? 

It's the money. The money allows people to barely be here. To flit in and out, collecting their cash inside and spending it outside the country.  I believe the influence of money deserves a blog post of it's own, and maybe it will one day.  What I think I have learned most from my time on VI is that money really is at the root of evil. This idea feels tangible here, a visible image conjured in the very air. Everywhere I look, things are sharp and clear, surreal, hyperreal, tainted through the filter of money. 

Luckily, we have a rainbow in our sink. I see it every morning and night- and several times in between. But the morning is when I really concentrate on it. I am thankful to start each day with a rainbow. It feels innocent, hopeful, positive. Spiritual even. 

Every day starts with magic
 (or science, which is sometimes like magic)

American conundrum

Reading the news from afar, I must admit, all of us outside the US are just plain confused. While countries around the world are adopting simple, protective measures the US is stuck in a pattern of closing its eyes and wishing away the virus like a petulant child refusing to come home from the playground.

It is puzzling that the voice of reason, logic and science has not been able to win out over selfishness and ignorance. Perhaps that is not a surprise to history experts. Although there is an extreme lack of unified leadership, I had expected that grown adults would inform themselves and take appropriate measures, regardless of the errors of the government. I am amazed at how uninformed citizens remain. I cannot imagine that there is anyone left who still believes the virus is a hoax, and yet, there are. 

From my completely amateur observation,  it seems the US has become complacent with it's wealth and ease of living over the years. Because so many have assumed they have freedom and entitlement, they forgot to remain vigilant and aware. What were those freedoms again? How were they won? And what were they safeguarding against? Citizenship comes with responsibilities as well as rights. 

Often, the US appears as an island to me, not because it meets the geographical definition of island, which it technically doesn't, but because so many of its citizens isolate themselves from knowledge of or interactions with other nations. Believing they are on top has led to a sense that other countries are not important or relevant. The concept of international exchange and global dependence seems to have passed many Americans by. 

I wonder about the role of the states, which at this point, seem to be functioning like tiny countries, independent and apart from each other and the national government. The United States have become anything but, in which case it seems a bit unfair to be comparing them to European countries. 

Here in Nigeria, where numbers are also rising, people wear masks (not everyone and not always the correct way) there are temperature checks and hand sanitizers or portable sinks in place outside of every store. It's possible to do these simple things while more information is being gathered on the true nature of the virus. 

For me, that is the most astounding aspect of all. There does not seem to be acknowledgement that this virus is new and therefore we know nothing about how it really spreads, how it really affects the human body and who is really at the most risk. In the face of a completely new disease, all we can do is look at similar strains and make educated guesses. Which can be wrong. Erring on the side of caution seems like the safest and most reasonable course of action.  The next few years are sure to shake up the order of things we thought we knew.

Creativity in the market

Extremism- African style

Fashion follows function- naturally

Sensor operated hand sink and soap
The blue machine is now open and
shoppers choose between hand washing
or the full decontamination

Nazali kozónga

The Kinshasa stories are already beginning and we haven't even arrived yet. Maybe my penchant for being there is about the abundance of source material. In the wake of world events, and US events, I've begun to see such connections.

The Black Lives Matter movement translates slightly different into Africa, but it's there. Undoubtedly. The latest rumors in Kin revolve around doctors who may or may not be diagnosing coronavirus correctly. Some say they get a cut for every patient identified, as higher numbers leads to more international aide. In one account, the amount of dollars being paid directly to the doctor per covid death was extraordinary- much too extraordinary to even be considered as possible...and yet, the person telling me wasn't really sure he could count on the doctors. It's easier to believe that your own doctors would kill you for cash- and that Westerners would offer that kind of cash for dead Congolese.

The entire premise points to everything that is wrong with the Africa-Europe/America relationship. Reparations are needed for black lives all over the globe. Trust is eroded, has been eroded, and the West hasn't really done anything to gain it back- better to take advantage of the ability for stories to run wild, paving the way for an even wilder reality.

But then, something like this story comes out and it's easy to see how the unbelievable takes root and grows into the mostly, probably, maybe. A friend shared this image, which sums it all up. While the rest of the world is welcoming emergency shipments of supplies- and in Africa, countries like Nigeria, Ethiopia and Rwanda are benefitting from billionaire Jack Ma's donations- RDC is playing host to European politicians (whose own countries haven't fared all that well in the face of corona, it bears pointing out.) Twenty-nine thousand Cuban doctors dispatched to fifty-nine countries...so how does RDC end up with.... this?

                                           Top: European delegates arriving in Kinshasa 
                                          Bottom: Cuban doctors arriving in Italy Matteo Bazzi/EPA

It's hard to dispute that perhaps there is some mineral conspiracy here- people don't need to actually arrive in person, in the middle of a pandemic, to discuss a humanitarian donation, do they? I could not find evidence of Jack Ma arriving in Ethiopia. In fact, Kagame tweeted his thanks  along with Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed, who received the goods for dispersement.
              *               *               *          *           *             *         *
While doesn't seem like the time to be writing something personal, I guess this is the place. It's true, tozali kozónga, we're headed back to Kin. As soon as airports open, that is. I am dreaming of deep jungle green and rich earth rain. I am trying to remember that returning will be different, because of time passed, because of the new world we are living in. But also because I am not the same person. A lot of growth has occurred in these past five years. Eyes wide open this time around.

 This post isn't really a what-we'll-miss-about-Lagos, it's more like a what-we'll-need-to-readjust-to.

• Untethered- This post about needing to be connected on the streets of VI to order Uber or Bolt is sure to have a different feel in Kin. There are so many different layers of being that it is seems completely possible to find a community fit without the need for constant attachment to internet or a mobile phone. I could be wrong about that, but I am hoping for off-grid options.
• Banking- This post talks about the ridiculousness of all things money in Nigeria- from stacks of naira as high as a coffee cup to the instant suspicion associated with trying to conduct any financial transactions. Prices won't be cheaper, but ATMs spit out hundred dollar bills in Kinshasa. Back to needing crisp new bills for spending, greenbacks preferred. This article from 2014 attempts to explain why dollars still rule. As far as I could tell during my October visit, Congo is still a long way from weaning off the dollar. 
• Our apartment- It has not been a source of cozy- and on the contrary, I have dreaded it's pristine white walls and floor to ceiling windows (that peer directly out into the neighbors floor to ceiling windows) but it is bright and new. I was remembering how I had to adjust to the Kinshasa dim. My latest trip through Kin's Ndjili Airport was sparkling with the shine of the newly constructed. But I am not kidding myself about school housing. We are likely to find it in much the same shape as we left it. Including a porch, however, which I am looking forward to with deep longing. 
• Isolation- VI has been a terribly isolating place to live. I am hoping the same will not be true of Kin. And even if it turns out to be so, those birds in the jungle...especially the night ones...are good company. The sounds of Kin are different too. The streets sing, full of vibrant energy. VI streets are simply clogged with traffic. Which is not to say that Kinshasa streets are miraculously clear...not at all, most likely worse. But they are interesting. And rhythmic.
• Organic delivery- I am completely not attached to this service, but it has been a luxurious find since lockdown. Lagos has had a thriving delivery service well before lockdown, and VI caters to it's elite class in remarkable ways. Finding several quality organic vendors- who deliver- has been a small wonder. 

I am sure more things will reveal themselves. At the pace of life these days, I am just hoping that airports will open and we'll find ourselves in a beautiful place once again. I am also hoping I will find a few of my friend-family connections still there. There's going to be a lot of grief to manage in the next years and being in a place where I feel completely invested and connected is going to be a help.
A return, yes, but also a new chapter.

in the way

reading news for months of only corona headlines 

just when I wonder…how does it end?

suddenly, it’s gone  

states just decided to open up, as though it never existed

and thousands of lives weren’t really extinguished 

only to have one life grab headlines 

spark anger

reading news for weeks of nothing but tensions rising and fear mounting

fear of living, fear of simply existing

fear that brings a grandmother out into the front yard

in her housecoat and walking cane

to cover up her grandchild who is panicking

police training their guns on him as he lays across the lawn

knowing there is nothing he can do to stop the bullets 

from finding his body 

laying still on the grass, crying for help, raising his arms

no action or non-action will be enough to 

save him 

from his skin

and my own news sends me to my heartland

where already rumors fly

of doctors willing to kill to gain ten- grand

for every body lost to corona

no one knows what to believe when streets talk

and life is worth a mere 10k

I see the connection

between the panic that assumes 

a doctor could murder so easily, so quickly,

so callously

because the white man called

with money in his mouth

and the killing of blacks

across the ocean 

just for being

in the way 

of privilege. 

Tilling the ground

I wrote about quarantine long before it was actually a thing. Seems like the whole world is locked inside now, but it's not much of a change for us. Luckily, since we live on campus, our "back-yard" is vast. There is much to be grateful for in that sense.

I have been thinking back to other lock downs and pending evacuations. The first time it happened in Congo I was torn between having the school potentially require me to leave and feeling that there was no better place to be than exactly where I was.

In the face of these new uncertain times, no such dilemma ensued. In fact, our school borderline required us to stay. Not in so many words, of course, but there was definitely, initially, a lot of pressure. This didn't really influence my decision, as the only other place I'd rather be wasn't really available at the moment. I do think most people with families should have been encouraged to join them as soon as possible. As a result, there are quite a few families and singles waiting on evacuation flights. I've heard these last minute flights have gone off without too much of a hitch in some other West African nations. Not here, naturally.

While no one is exactly sure why, the emergency flights set up for this week were postponed and rescheduled every day, until finally being cancelled 'until further notice.' It seems to have something to do with negotiations around allowing the pilots into the airport. Clearly not successful. It might be too late.

We are in the awkward position of watching our family and friends around the globe battle this illness as it makes it way to Africa. I have been hoping against hope that somehow Africa will be spared the worst of it. She has suffered so often and bears so much of the pain of life, I would be grateful to see her sit this one out. It's time, I think. She has certainly paid her dues.

I have no doubt we all be touched this. The virus travels in humans, and witnessing the spread from country to country and across continents proves how interconnected we all are. Our family recently received that middle of the night call that everyone dreads. Except it came in the afternoon. Having the sun shining while hearing of death doesn't make the knees stronger. It doesn't stop the heart from dropping or the tears from flowing. And now we are filled up with sadness. Our personal sadness, the sadness of thousands of families losing the ones they love, and sadness at the injustice of it all. Beneath the tragedies, lies a basic foundation of injustice and we can only hope that somehow, in the rebuilding of new systems, the ground will be dug up, turned over and a truly fresh start ensues.

quarantine

I am completely not supposed to be here. I have been avoiding papers due- in days, maybe even tomorrow- and presentations and other PhD work. I stopped by just to look for something, some details from an old post that I am working on turning into a respectable piece of writing.

But my creative titles and random word labels had me searching a bit longer than anticipated. And then, of course, I got sucked into reading. About corners and walking home and being in the world with my neighbors. I also realized I hadn't written at all this year and I am in danger of blogging out. Which I really don't want to do.

Nigeria is hard to write about. The very small, very elite, very closed-off island bubble we live in here is even harder to write about. Living on campus means no walk to school- or at least a super limited walk to school. Since I am not feeling positive about so many things here, it's practically impossible to write about.

There are a few things that come up- and there was one thing that seemed really perfect- I remembered thinking that it captured the essence of here without having that negative bent that so often colors my thoughts these days. Of course, I've forgotten it now, but the back of my mind is working on retrieving it.

Lately I've been feeling like every country has me itching to move, but this one especially so. I could make a list of things I miss, but it is more interesting to challenge myself into making a list of things I like. We have a kiln at school. That's one thing.

I guess I need to head off and write my papers now. But I will be back. At least once a month is my goal for this year. With an interesting tale of some sort or another. Or rich descriptive piece that illuminates a slice of life here. I miss writing here, documenting our lives in other cultures. For now, we're mostly in our apartment.

The Carrot Guy

I intended to get back to writing regularly but I think this last semester was more taxing than I realized. Motivation and coherent thinking has been hard to come by. I am still highly ambivalent about Lagos, mostly because I have been caught up in a very small world. Maybe it's time for a return to the bullet list.

Things I want to write about but haven't yet the storytelling frame of mind:

• The holiday season started off with a fantastical tale of this ballet party dress, which I found to be a bit expensive and not so well made. Mbalia's costume had a piece of trim from the neckline detaching before she'd even had it on. When I made a remark to the woman who was selling them, she looked at me in that rushed but serious way women get when they're dealing with a line of parents, on the day of the show, selling costumes in the foyer and things aren't going so well. "Yes, I am so sorry. You know why they are so expensive? We had to fly the woman in from China and she just got here Friday night and has been working like crazy to get all of the costumes done in time...." She lost me at "fly her in from China..." As if there weren't enough people here in the country to do a shoddy assembly job. Trevor Noah once again feeling my pain by reporting on Nigerians flying in pizza from Britain. Because it's all real. It's happening.  

The fancy light-up costume

                                       
                                                     It all started with the pizza....

• 3D commercials in the stores- rounding a grocery aisle is likely to land you smack in the face of a real live commercial. Around the holiday season, there seem to be more of these product peddlers on hand. They sell everything from insecticide to wine. I think the ones I have run across most often are for powdered milk or chocolate spread. The most interesting one is the Laughing Cow, whom I might have written about previously. Like an animal version of Santa, he can be found in stores across Africa, wearing his red suit and making children laugh (or run screaming in terror.)

• The mall or grocery store is the place to go for holidays. A walk around the mall or snapping photos in front of public Christmas displays is a popular way to pass the holiday. We spent some time doing this (by necessity rather than true desire) and decided to take advantage of the train running through mall. It's there all year round, along with the dressed up animals loitering in the hallways, waiting to snap photos with the kids and hand out publicity for children themed clothing shops and play centers.

The Palms Plaza Shopping Train

Mbalia was super excited

• The carrot guy- there was a new vegetable guy at the small grocery store I like to go to (not in the mall.) He was so young with a beautiful smile and completely over willing to help. All I had to do was look in the direction of a vegetable and he was there with a plastic bag open and ready. He seemed to glide just above the floor, simply appearing next to me with bag in hand. I asked if I could put the onions and limes together- always searching for ways to avoid the plastic- and his smile got even bigger as he just shook his head. No, ma, you don't want to do that, he seemed to be saying. I couldn't be sure if he even heard me or understood. He was just apparently filled with the joy of the season. Overly nice people have a way of making me overly grateful and slightly uncomfortable so I mentally rearranged my normally high in veggies list. Just a few carrots. I picked up one or two limp orange stalks, shook my head and put them down again. In a flash, he was there, reading my mind. "Let me selection for you ma, so you can have the best." And he did. That young boy picked out all the best carrots from both bins. I felt like I was in a musical- that's how bright his smile was and how weird the whole transaction seemed. If someone broke out dancing and singing, I wouldn't have been any more surprised. As we made our way out of the vegetable section he pointed to the Nuli juice refrigerator. "All natural. Nuli is all natural juice." Like he knew me. I smiled and shook my head, although the Nuli juice boasted celery, cucumber, apple flavor or a watermelon, pineapple, honey combo. The carrot guy folded his hands and wished us a merry Christmas. I think it was the most sincere holiday wish I've ever received.  

• Until we got to the frozen foods, which is near the stairs to go up to the second level. Where I've never been. But Mbalia needed a small screwdriver to change the batteries in a light up unicorn and I suspected if they had tools, they'd be upstairs. I asked one of the clerks if they sold screwdrivers and he shook his head no, but then asked what I needed it for. ? Luckily, Mbalia had brought her unicorn friend along and so I was able to show him. He dashed upstairs and retrieved his own screwdriver, making the battery exchange right there in the store. This whole scene naturally attracted two other employees, making jokes about our hero being a toy doctor. A-plus for SPAR's overly helpful, supremely friendly staff on hand, making every shopping trip a success. 

• The light display put on by Zenith bank were truly spectacular. We snapped our own small picture from the keke. I'm not sure how they got a video that seems so devoid of people but the night we were out was filled with pedestrians, cars, motorcycles and lines of people hoping to get a ride on the magical sleigh.

Zenith Bank Display

The magical ride-on sleigh, viewed from the keke

• Nabih's birthday came along just before the holidays and we took a trip to the Lekki Conservation center. We convinced each other that a walk across the canopy would be a good idea. Tours set out from the main center and we joined a group of about 25 other people. It seemed an odd way to walk through the swampy forest, but once we got to the canopy walk the group spread out. Only six people were allowed to walk across each section, with a maximum of 12 at each resting tower. It was quite an experience, with other group members really making a difference. Two women in front of us asked to keep the space, because the more people on the walk, the more it swayed and buoyed up and down. The three or four guys in front of them were especially exuberant. After the first two stretches, they were waiting with high fives and congratulations- and the ever present photo op. By the time we got to the end, we found ourselves walking off to a suddenly unusual quiet emptiness. Just us and the forest. After all that bonding with strangers, it was a little bit of a creepy ending. We walked cautiously back through the swamp, alternating between delight and suspicion at the monkeys crawling along the handrail- which signs cautioned against actually using or leaning against. 

View before we began. It's hard to look around
while walking. I kept my gaze firmly fixed
on Nabih's shirt. No time to enjoy the view.
Once you begin, you can't turn back.

The swaying, bouncing walkway 22.5meters high

Monkeys everywhere

The path ahead, mostly secure, beautiful green

Walkway in repair

Swampy view- no crocodiles in sight but
that doesn't mean they weren't there

Naira

The semester is over, marking my first year of PhD studies complete. These past 5 months were full of transition, illness, stress and catching up. I think there were a few sweet moments in there as well, but getting used to a new country is a job in itself, one I tend to underestimate even though I have been through it enough times to know better.

I cannot say Nigeria, or even Lagos, but I must insist on VI. Victoria Island is a microcosm of it's own. I have to keep remembering that. Because when I am just plain sick of the weirdness here, it's helpful to think it is probably not all of Nigeria. Just these little island bubbles.

On the island, there are fireworks every weekend. (Don't they know you can't have Christmas every day or it won't be special anymore?) Conversations everywhere seem to revolve around parties and events. One of the reasons I came to Nigeria was because of the reputation for intellectual discourse, and I am sure it is here- just not in these island bubbles. Or maybe everyone is adhering to work hard- play hard. Playing hard is expensive so the money must be coming from somewhere. Me? I am just hiding out in my flat, trying not spend too much. Just walking out the door seems to have a cost attached.

One of the hardest things to manage is the naira. Aside from the academic reputation, there is the other side. Business is a big thing, and for every legitimate affair, there is someone equally creative working for the powers of darkness. Nigeria does have a history of scams and con artists, which has led to some very complex rules around money.

1. The naira and the dollar are completely separate. I cannot speak expertly about the processes regulating change of naira to dollar but I know they exist. I was in the bank, withdrawing dollar (from my dollar account, which is very separate from my naira account) actually trying to send Western Union (coming up in rule number 2). Turns out you can only send naira by Western Union and so I was wondering out loud about how to get naira. The bank teller looks at me apologetically and says, "Maybe if you know someone....?" Meaning he, the banker, could not actually help me.  I needed to call my money changer. Because I actually have one of those now. Some people have accountants; I have a money changer.

I call and ask him to come and meet me. This time we meet inside the bank, which goes against everything I have experienced about money changers in other countries. Usually, "black market" money exchange is done on the street and at a lower rate than the bank. Here, the bank cannot actually perform this service for me. So Usmane comes into the bank and we work out an exchange. He doesn't really speak English and our exchanges are always a little confusing in terms of communication but I am getting better at understanding. He gives me a huge pile of naira and I go to the "large sums" deposit room to have my money counted, verified and deposited. I receive a small ticket to bring back to the teller to verify that my "large deposit" has been counted. Every time I need more naira, I have to go through this process. I wire my dollars to my naira account, call Usmane to change my dollars- sometimes he transfers directly to my account, sometimes I have large piles of naira to count. Usmane is friendly, always smiling- if we could communicate better I would ask how he got into this line of work. Where does he get all the money from? Who is actually funding his whole situation and where do my dollars go? But I am still slightly uncomfortable with the need to invite a third party into my banking transactions. Nairas spend like loose change here and sometimes it is embarrassing to have Usmane witnessing my 'wealth.'

2. There is no way to get money out of the country. Money transfer options like Western Union and Money Gram barely exist here. You can transfer within country, but sending out is a complicated affair. I managed to do it twice in emergency situations, but it takes at least an hour per transaction and there is a limit on the amount you can send per day. Coupled with the many personal questions required to be completed and I am once again feeling my privacy is being invaded. When it comes to money and Nigeria, there is no privacy.

3. There are limits on everything. ATMs do exist, and there are a few you could risk trying to use your international card at, but you are still limited to 20,000 naira per transaction (about $60.) It is extremely frustrating trying to keep cash on hand- which is actually something the government is discouraging.

4. Electronic transfers are all the rage. Some people even know their bank account numbers by heart. Most banks have mobile apps and from your app you can send money from your account to anyone else's account. It is the way to pay. Cashless. There is a small charge for this service but it's possible to pay for all kinds of services this way, person to person, person to business and you can even directly transfer naira for mobile phone credit. As long as the network is working. That small condition can lead to big problems. People have been super gracious so far, allowing that you pay for it later, when the network is up again. Meaning I have consumed services and then just been trusted to pay for them later. "Network" is a word commonly used to describe any kind of technical glitch. And people have adapted with patience. What else can you do,  really?

Network problems also affect Uber and Taxify, getting in the way of providing useful directions or calculating fares. I have been on some longer trips that miscalculated the fare or just shut down altogether. By this point, I generally have a good idea of what the fare should be and try to leave something of a generous tip, but it's not always a sure thing. I still feel bad about a trip I took in from the mainland and ended up shorting the driver 100N when I had hoped to leave him extra. I figure in the big circle of taxi fares and tips, it has to equal out somewhere along the way. It's all I can do.

5. Credit and debit cards are also a valid form of payment, but rely on the "network." It definitely has the possibility of feeling like a futuristic King novel, with evil something or other taking over and shutting it down. Or itself taking over and ruling as it wishes. I have gone grocery shopping, intending to pay with my US card only to have it rejected. In one case,  I then left the store to try the ATM, also down. I went back to the store, unpacked my groceries so I could reclaim my bags when the cashier tried again- and it went through. I had to repack my groceries. Paying and packing-unpacking-repacking took longer than the shopping itself.

Money and money exchange has become something that takes up precious mental energy space. It now involves planning ahead, calculating wire transfer time, money exchange time (Usmane is actually surprisingly super quick- arriving one time within minutes. If we could communicate, I would ask him where he is doing his business....certainly on the island somewhere.)

As I understand it, our salaries go through their own complicated process. My bank app shows two accounts which I can't actually access, but the money passes through there on it's way to my US account. First, the naira is deposited. There is something about bidding on US dollar exchange- my financial literacy is severely limited at this point- and then it gets converted to dollars, which go through that shadow account and are finally wired to my US account.

Something about all the rules, regulations and conditions works to make me feel everything about it is even shadier than if it just existed. I guess the Nigerians know best, how to combat the fraud and corruption. The whole thing gives me a headache.

Applying the PhD

When I was younger, we played a lot of games. We built card houses and played Rummy and Gin and Crazy Eights. I played numerous versions of Solitary, and almost every card game seemed to have a dice version. So we played those too. We played so often that when I closed my eyes, I could still see the outline of the cards, the shapes of the diamonds and clubs in that eerie reverse lighting that happens behind closed lids.

Studying for an advanced degree is a bit like that. It takes up nearly every spare moment, and even when I am not reading or writing something, I am thinking of whatever it is I am supposed to be reading or writing. I see ethics and moral dilemmas everywhere. Even and especially when I am trying to relax or take a break from the intense analyzing of ideas, the topics present themselves.

One of the reasons I'd accepted the job in Lagos was for an opportunity to "just" teach art, an option that would allow me to focus on only one subject and to follow my passion. I'd imagined there wouldn't be much overlap and one would easily allow me to concentrate on the other.

Naturally, real life is interconnected and all things overlap. It's only taken a few short months for the first ethical dilemmas to begin presenting themselves and refusing to go away. I've designed all of the curriculum content to connect to self-identity and culture, social studies themes or aspects of study in other classes. 7th grade is studying West African history, which leads naturally to an examination of the Benin Kingdom and their stunning work in bronze. Which has led to an entire ethical analysis of the conflict over returning the Benin Bronzes, and African artwork in general (I feel a paper coming on...)

In 1897, Britain plundered the kingdom, stealing religious artifacts and ceremonial items. Oba Akenzua II began the quest to have the items returned in 1936 and it is an ongoing affair. On the surface, it seems to be a straightforward problem. The items were stolen and they should be returned.

There are several complicating factors, which I was happy to introduce to my 7th grade classes. Honestly, I was surprised at their responses, though perhaps I should not have been. A Eurocentric mindset is cultivated in communities across the globe since birth. They are no different.

They wanted to know if England had given credit to Nigeria (is that all it takes to make stealing morally acceptable?) When I raised the question about whether there should be monetary compensation included in the return because, after all, people have been paying a lot of money for a lot of years to visit the works, students sympathized with the Brits and suggested it would be difficult for them to give back the stolen loot after so many years and making so much profit. They suggested a 5 or 10% return. I hadn't read anything about restitution for past profit in the articles, but it turns out Trevor Noah and I think alike. There should be something to atone for all of the profits made over the 120+ years.

One of the responses to Europe's argument that there are not places to store or show African art encompasses the idea that perhaps it is not meant to show. These were not decorative art pieces, but sacred objects. Many were not meant to be seen by the general public but rather kept secluded in royal homes or other places. Just because Europeans have treated the art in a certain way throughout the ages does not mean that is the only way to treat them. Perhaps they go back to their sacred status, hidden, revered and an essential part of the spirit of the community.

There have also been some African leaders who suggest that having the work out in the world has been something of a cultural ambassador for African countries. They say they're ok with keeping some of the work in Europe where it will continue to showcase the skill and talent of African artists and present the history.

It's a complicated perspective since these items can be considered primary sources of historical events, many of which are not taught or discussed in African schools. These pieces provide very clear historical evidence of how kingdoms and courts were organized. Complex, stunning and showcasing great technical skill- those words apply not only to the artwork, but to everything surrounding the controversy and the historical significance of the objects.

I share a room with elementary art and the instructional assistant has overheard many of our debates. She took some time to share with me her direct lineage to the Oba and some of her perspective about the controversy. As someone who has inside knowledge about the use of some of the items, and the implications of having them openly accessibly, her perspective is revealing.

There really is no controversy. Stolen items need to be returned to the owner. The owner decides how best to care for them. End of story really.

The students were still not entirely convinced.  I put everything in terms of their personal items- so, if I steal your sneakers, because I notice you don't care for them very well and I decide I know best how to care for them....is that ok? (no, they don't agree.)

If I come into your bedroom and steal all of your belongings, and then decide to give you a few things back- but keep the rest for myself....it's ok? (no, not really.)

And the one they really weren't sure about- if I steal all of your clothes and go out and make your fashion sense famous, I get to keep the money and anything positive that comes from that? I'll just mention that it was all your idea.....and you never had a chance to make it famous, because all your stuff was with me. (they're not really sure about this one....ownership of the idea versus ownership of the items- even if by stealing- versus power to make something seen)

We're talking about privilege here. The power and privilege to access international markets and international locations. The power and privilege to know your own history because the artifacts are housed safely in locations you can visit or presented in ways that accurately depict how they were used in your culture.

The conversations will continue. I can see their minds are still churning over the ideas and the connections and puzzling it through. Some walked out shaking their heads, commenting it was the best art class discussion they'd had, others kept referring to "our art," though clearly not Nigerian, clearly not aware of the history or culture in any way that would obviously merit an "our." Identity is a funny thing that way, a tricky thing for these third culture kids who live everywhere and belong nowhere. They need to develop as many perspectives as countries they've lived in, and they need to be given the opportunity to explore, understand and grapple with the complexities of colonialism, both its historical context and its current manifestations. They need to come to terms with their own role and the roles of their ancestors. The conversations will continue.