...that's what she called it, and so it seems to be. I have found some new power in knowing that those who think they may do not actually hold the keys to my future. I have found a voice that is strong and solid to express my confusion and doubt, a presence to state my dissatisfaction.Seeing the light of change has allowed me to view my current situations with distance and clarity. My eyes are not clouded with panic. I am filled once again with confidence. I am a natural teacher and it is something that I love. I think we all agree that the politics can be best left behind. But with this woman at my side, supporting me and assuring me that I have every right to assert my professional opinions, I feel strength and truth and justice. I begin to see the importance of being able to speak out without fear of repercussions. Of course I am aware of the irony that I have only begun to feel this way because the repercussions would barely touch me. I would like to believe that the desperateness of my situation would lead me to speaking out regardless of the conditions upon which truthfulness is based.
It is not just at work that I begin to feel the settling peace of things falling into place. With the impending certainty of change I find it easier to manage everywhere. I am able to make social connections, talk to those in my community and even reach out to someone I once knew. It is only because I am going that I feel like I can commit. And this is a little bit of what I am looking for. It is only through leaving that I can ever feel like I belong.
I spoke to a very old and distant friend last night. Its been 20 years since we've last seen each other and almost as long since we last had any kind of real connection. I've been trying to figure out if it is something we can pick up again. She has moved south and during our conversation she spoke often of a longing for "home." I know it is something I have never really felt here, always resisted. I've been searching for "home" in a group of people, a network of family and friends that just doesn't exist. Of course, I've taken many conflicts more personally than they could have been and at one point even determined that all of this state was out to conspire against me. She spoke of the mountains, and I remember that feeling but its long been stolen from me. She spoke of old stomping grounds, and I know exactly what grasses she's trampled but I don't find the memories nostalgic.
I wonder if, by leaving, I can find this home that she is missing. Perhaps. I think there is too much....to continue
