what i could have written about but didn't

completely unsatisfied with my most recent entry but unsure of how to change it...i decided just to invite you to sample the random, swirling thoughts that fill my head each day from which i try to construct coherent, interesting and descriptive sentences.   i could have written about

• a dancing pig
• the 23 year old who left it all to learn swahili and start a school
• how completely unimportant and meaningless my own personal life felt after reading that article
• oatmeal raisin cookies, homemade ice cream and teaching couple from sudan
• the 10 year old girl filled with emotion who thought her cousin was involved in congo's abusive tin mining practices
• chocolate banana cookies, homemade frozen yogurt and a neighbor
• malian women refusing their own right to speak for themselves and be educated
• the 4 year old who had an entire building of children repeating his sing song words (yes, that would be my four year old.....he's got a gift--- of some nature)
• the conservative right, as found everywhere here in drc and the vast approaches i've developed to respond and interact with them on a daily basis
• emotional uncertainty and psychological imbalance...as experienced here in drc on a daily basis (oh wait, i think my last post was about that...)
• the huge wedding? or other event held just around the corner, creating thrilling traffic scenes as drivers hauled their oversize camions into alternate lanes despite oncoming traffic (no worries, accident averted...i had at least 2 inches between my mirror and theirs)
• insects and the complete annoyance and final tolerance of finding them absolutely everywhere, surely i've eaten more than a few....am i still a vegetarian?
• the process of creative (or written!) art and how the end result often does not match our emotional journey nor our aesthetic preferences.........

Basically, I could continue but won't.
Instead, working to focus and present information (more photos pleeeze) on aspects of life as
an enfant du pays......sans le famille, sans les amies, sans l'amour, mais avec le main de dieu
raising two boys in africa, loving dance, and searching for adventure as found in everyday heroes

Audience

Rather than read along with my old book club, I read about another kind of missionary. Roger Youmans, who is a missionary doctor, wrote an autobiography (When Bull Elephants Fight) about his many years working in Kinshasa and other areas of Congo. It was a detailed account and gave some amazing insight on how things have (or haven't really) changed since the early 70's when he was here. Even he, as a doctor, sometimes wondered exactly what he was doing here.

I've also spent some time reading other blogs. I like to find some written by others living in Africa and there are plenty. But the latest one I read was written by a fellow teacher here who has just had a baby in the U.S. I wondered what made her blog different than mine (for clearly it was) and came to a few realizations.

- Its o.k that my blog is different than most others I've read. I guess it is a true reflection of me and that's really all it should be. (It took me awhile to arrive at this conclusion, but once here, I am solidly here.)
- Pictures definately add to the blog. There's definately more reading involved here and photos could break that up. I remember intially hoping to tell this story through images. Just as I recommitted myself to posting more, I woke up to the realities of actually trying to do that. Nevertheless, I have some photos saved and an approaching storm I'm dying to share. Nabih seems committed to this as well because during our trip today (yes, I drove the boys to get Mohamed's hair cut) Nabih stole the camera and began shooting all kinds of photos from the back seat windows- a post unto itself.
- Finally, I realized it has something to do with audience. Clearly, she was writing with an audience in mind. With a specific purpose of updating her family and friends about how life and pregnancy in Congo was faring. It has taken me some time to consider my audience (I can no longer truly say I am writing solely about teaching as I've talked very little about my classroom or other challenges related to teaching here.) I intended to write in essay- like form about the issues as they caught my eye, and I think I have done that. I've written about things that I've been compelled to write about, things that linger in my mind and haunt my dreams. I guess I'm not always clear as I could be and hardly ever straightforward, but there's no way around it. Hard as I try to write something simple, I get bogged down in the hazy mist of my perception. I can see too many sides at once.

And, while I'm not really sure if anyone is actually reading, or who, it's not really my motivation (though I have wondered how to get more notice in the blogging world...) It ends up like my painting, sitting on the floor of my bedroom, where I glance at it in passing, wondering briefly where the future will bring it. The purpose is in the process, the final result simply a pleasant extra.