The sun has been shining lately and I feel so completely different. I love the energy and strength that comes with the long days. We've had several extended weekends as well and that has given me a taste of summer. It is so liberating to lose the stress and negativity from my working life. I am once again basking in the warmth and joy of my children and family. We have all found our way to more comfortable footing.
I attribute this new life, feeling so much as a seedling must when it breaks through the soil into its first rays of sunlight, to many things- beginnings, endings and reconnections. Though I recognize all that has changed in my life, I always suspect that a large part of this joy is pure energy emanating from the sun. I am hoping that in Africa I will find the sunny days just as rejuvenating.
The time is drawing closer. Attending to details has taken up any time of nervousness or worry. I guess there will be time for that later. There is occassional doubt, however, and I am trying to see this step as one of many that may finally lead to a positive future for us. All of the planning may lead where you never thought, as is often the case for me. But I haven't given it up as it seems a sensible and adult thing to do.
Yes, I'm trying to be responsible and feel more like a grown-up on this eve(eve3) of my birthday. I had given myself until 35 to panic, thinking I haven't really done anything with my life yet. Honestly, I think this trip to Africa will be a significant cross off my list. (Maybe I have left: write a book, create a famous piece of art [famous only after death of course, I suppose I won't really ever be able to cross that one off,] and there was that house-boat I was going to live on with my grandma...) But I do get to thinking, as all good dreamers do, why we're here and what is so important that we must accomplish anyway.
On a bright and sunny day, I can see that just having my children and preparing them for a good life is a feat. There are days when I strive for more and feel as though I must leave something, a message, a work or service of some importance to others. Most days I feel like this. That I should be involved. And I am never involved enough; that's how my eyes see it. I'm 34 and what have I done? This is so typical, so "mid-life crisis," I can barely stand it. But its true of who we are as humans. The need to feel important, the need to be contributing.
And so I have contemplated what to bring with me to Congo. What are the things I will really need there? It has come to be similar to a ten month camping trip in my mind. There are definately things I will not be able to get there. But then, who knows what I might find.
So it is that I am considering going without any books. I wonder if I could make this a year of faithful inquisition. I considered just bringing a book of faith and comitting to reading it alone. I considered for quite a few days before relenting and suggesting to myself that I might see it more as a "theme" and bring books that help to explain or further enlighten (somewhat fearful I might not uncover enlightment without expert guidance.)
I am thinking that developing my faith will help to ease this burden of never feeling accomplished or complete. I really want to feel the faith as strong within me as my self-doubt is now. Whenever I check, it is there, waiting to conduct a lengthy conversation. It remains to remind me that I have not truly conquered it; despite my careful acquisition of education and skill, it is sown as deep and prolific as bamboo, ready to spread into a quick and hearty ground cover.
Perhaps ten months of dedication and study can replace that with knowledge and strength. I want to believe. Or rather, I do believe but it doesn't yet feel like a second skin. Sometimes I see my faith more as a jacket that I put on and take off to regulate temperature, when really I want it to be the air I breathe and the nourishment that gives me life.
Prayer is better than sleep. But so often I pull up the blankets and listen to the chirping of the birds and feel the cool breeze flowing through my open window.
There are signs for those who know. This is what I feel in the warmth and energy of the sun. And as I lay in my early morning bed listening, I am thinking of the divine, but I have not really dedicated my attention.
There are signs for those who know. Clearly.
