A Glee Epiphany and other realizations

Back when I still considered myself on summer vacation and was busy trying to fill the days I got caught up in Glee. Mohamed and I found some pleasure in watching this TV series about a group of high school students and their experiences in the singing club. A friend had given us the first 4 seasons on a flash drive and so we were free to watch at our leisure. We got so caught up in it that- to my horror- Mohamed announced his goal of 'watching all of season 4 in one day.'

While I silently revolted at his plan for spending a beautiful day glued to the screen, I understood his double need of entertaining himself and escaping from our boring (read lonely) first days here in Abidjan. We watched together, got to know the characters together and enjoyed the music. As an adult, however, I think the similarities ended there. I watched with an eye on my past- ever regretful- while he probably watched with an eye to his future (I'll never act like that.)

High school, I think, tends to bring up a lot of past baggage for many people. (Hail to the high school teachers who navigate this world everyday.) While I have long grappled with my past, watching the main characters struggling through the highs and lows of teenage-dom brought my own experiences ever more in focus. If only, if only, if only......

Thoughts of my past still bring up resentment, regret and wishes that it all had been different. If only I  had known.....if only I had had parents who..... and on and on. In the end, I am left with just one question to ponder. Why is that the most formative years of our lives are those when we are dependent upon others?

Most of the time I wonder why I am still plagued by the events of my youth. At this age I would have expected to have long moved on from those tumultuous years full of mistakes upon mistakes. All my training in therapy suggests that people can get over the impact of parents and friends and errant ways of our childhood. All my experiences in life suggest that we never really do.

If we map out our lives on a timeline, the youthful period takes up a significantly smaller portion of our lives than the grown-up years, and yet, if we're not careful, we can spend an enormous portion of those grown up years looking back, reminiscing, regretting, wishing we could revise what happened long ago. Long ago when we were at the mercy of others.

I think about it in terms of infancy as well. Newborns are completely dependent upon their parents and errors in those early months and years can have disastrous effects on how we develop physically and psychologically. Our self esteem, curiosity, motivation and the general way we approach the world is shaped at a time when have absolutely no control over what happens to us. It seems inherently unfair that our well being is based upon the decisions and actions of others.

Until it struck me that that is precisely the point of it all. No matter which 'good book' you check, they all refer to humans looking out for humans. It may seem elementary, but I finally got the hugeness of this while washing dishes and reflecting on my reactions to spending every night lost in 45 minute episodes of a high school ecosystem. It was a Glee epiphany. We need each other when we're most vulnerable.

Previously I'd always interpreted the 'do good to others' rule as helping our neighbors. I thought I'd covered it by volunteering and offering what little I could to those I saw in need around me. But for some reason it's taken me until now to realize this need for perfecting human interdependence extends to smaller systems- the family systems. Service must begin at home. (I guess you can imagine how that played out in my family if it's taken me some 40 years to figure this out.)

While most of me resents this idea since I seem to have gotten a raw deal on the parent end of things, I realize it is the ultimate vision of a harmonious humanity.  Peace in the world can begin to truly develop when we take care of our children, who are then confident and service minded enough to go out and take care of others. And by feeling a true love for our family, our neighbors and so called strangers (in this version of humanity, we know we are all brothers and sisters) we can truly develop. As a race. Or grow closer to God, if religion is the path you're on. Grow closer to nirvana, if spiritualism is the path you're on. Balance out the universe, if space and energy is the path you're on.

I've spent many of my adult years trying to determine, label and name the path I am on. Islam came pretty close. But these days, I can see the labels are less important than the ideas. It's this concept of humans needing humans that rings the most true. Not just needing, but being obligated to be in service to each other. Getting a raw deal in our own youth doesn't exonerate us from providing for others in our future.

It's easy to think this is right when we consider orphans and hungry children. Women sometimes get our sympathy as well, being the main caregivers for children. But distance is easy to come by. People who are too different, or seen as potentially able to care for themselves or people who are too dangerous to care for fall outside our radar of obligations. Some cultures foster more of a sense of interdependence while others focus on independence. All cultures eventually face a limit.

Ebola in the news seems one curse on this world designed to drive the wedge between us humans even deeper. Its not just Africans who are ostracizing their children and neighbors. Spain is having a hard time dealing with an outbreak there. The numbers of confirmed cases remain in the single digits and observed cases in the double digits. It's not a far stretch to understand how countries in Africa, whose numbers have hit the thousands, are having trouble coping.

Ebola is tearing apart the fragile seams that hold families and communities together- especially in places where resources needed for daily living are already scarce. Most of what I read or see on the news is capable of bringing me to tears. (New mama hormones are an excellent strategy for increasing empathy-maybe it should be added to the water supplies.)   I try not to pass judgement but am lost in wonder when confronted with images of children suffering or dying alone.  Perhaps they are orphans, but thoughts of anyone spending their last days and hours in a haze of pain and loneliness is enough to  make me doubt the future of humanity.  If we could all be as heroic as this woman, than my faith might be restored. But we can never really know how we will respond to crisis in our family or in our community.  Maybe Ebola is more of a test of our humanity rather than a curse.  

Aside from our emotional reactions and spiritual safety, Ebola presents a real danger to pregnant women and medical caregivers- those charged with the physical future of humanity. I remain divided between the joy of my epiphany- we need other people when we are at our most vulnerable- and utter dismay- you mean we need other people when we are at our most vulnerable? I'm committed to being the other person.....now I just have to work at accepting help when I am most vulnerable. Which TV series is going to teach me how to do that?

Time well spent

I signed up to be the faculty adviser to the elementary student council this year thinking I could steer us away from bake sales and food drives. While I hadn't a strong clear idea about what a student council actually does (all my experience hearing about if from the middle and high school speeches refer to "blow-outs," "shut-ins," and other party slang that basically throws up images of all those 80's Tom-Cruise-in-high-school flicks.)

I did have some ideas however and a little research confirmed that most student councils are busy with three main agendas: 1. Creating spirit (that's where the parties and movie nights come in)  2. Raising awareness about issues that are important to them or that are "current events" 3. Community service and/or involvement- creating a bridge between the student body and the community. Of course, it's this last one that drew me in.

Mostly, my idea was (and still is) to try and lead the students through the process of making decisions and working as a group. The rest is up to them. We are responsible for running the elementary school store which was recently created and that comes with another whole set of ideas, complications and possibilities.

But first, the spirit. They wanted to organize a movie night which actually turned out quite great. They were able to work through a process of voting and reducing their choices until we had a winner- the delightful Hotel Transylvania. It worked out perfectly as a pre-Halloween movie and the kids dressed up as ghouls and goblins to make the evening more fun for the movie goers.

Making 3 kinds of popcorn- cheese, chocolate & butter 'n salt

Nabih - Vampire Master

Spreading his "wings"

                                     

The kids worked hard to make and stuff 95 bags of popcorn and mix up enough "Energade" drink for all. There were moments of small chaos,  perhaps not everyone received their choice of popcorn (or arrived late and didn't get any at all) but in general it was a successful night of fun and festivities.

So I was kind of excited about our next meeting. We were going to plan out a few more activities, begin our discussion of the community service projects and maybe even paint the lizard mascot on our school store door. Ha! Elementary stuco shutdown.

Rather we ended up spending the hour talking and making very few decisions. One well- intentioned member kept shooting every idea down with "Well, some people might not like....." I had to finally tell her yes, some people might not like it or might not be able to participate or just plain might not.....but our job was to provide opportunity for the masses.....not try to cater to each individual desire.

Other ideas seemed boring to me or unclear (though, I did try to ask those uncovering kinds of questions that would enlighten things- and not make judgments about what 10 year-olds think is a fun idea. I really do want it be their show.) The problem was, they couldn't decide. They wanted to talk about Valentine's Day or the end of the year, but no one wanted to talk about next month. They wanted Christmas Parties and Gift Giving (how could you organize gift giving for 120 students?! I tried to steer them towards "end of the year" rather than "Christmas" and secret pal notes, appreciations and drawings rather than buying gifts.....they didn't seem too interested.)

We went around and around with no final thoughts (we did manage to schedule in a "Dress as your favorite character" D.E.A.R day.) It was excruciating. We moved on to talking about community service. Bake Sales, Food Drives, Clothing Gives. I knew this was coming but the previous 45 minutes had depleted all of my energy. I tried to explain the idea of searching for something more than bringing in their old, cast-off items to give to people they barely knew. I tried to explain the idea of sharing an experience, of creating a relationship...of doing more than just handing over unused items.

It was a challenging sell. In the end, someone did suggest visiting another school, along with a few other ideas I have completely forgotten now in trying to  put the pain and frustration of that meeting behind me. A lot of their ideas involved other teachers (for which I had to explain again and again that it is completely voluntary and I can't make the other teachers participate in anything, or give up their evenings to join us or give up their class time to our half-formed ideas- or even worse, give up their class time to then plan some completely new lesson that would fit nicely into our ideas....whew!)

Afterward, I really needed a moment of self-reflection. Or a whole day. Luckily we had Eid off and so I had exactly that- a whole day of reflection. I tried to imagine what kind of community service project would be "good enough" and would make me feel that it is authentic and genuine and not condescending. I remembered my time at Stand Proud just going to make art with the kids (and forcing my own boys to come because I thought it was a good experience for them.) I thought of the orphanages and day centers I'd gone to filled with kids who just want someone to pay attention to them, read a book, play a game. Isn't that enough? It is something completely accessible to the students and completely age appropriate. Spend some time with another child. Doing child things.

I realized I have a bit of inner work to do in order to get over my complications with giving. Kinshasa does funny things to a person's sense of charity. Life has been fraught with traumatic events this month, both my own and in lives of dear friends. It's made sleep nearly impossible to come by leaving me short on patience and understanding. But this Eid I think I have made something of a small breakthrough. Gathering food and old shoes and clothes may be something the kids are familiar with, something they know about, but giving time is equally valuable. Maybe I can help them take the second step in giving- learning that it is not always about the material things. And then, when an occasion comes for the gifting, we'll have real reason and real relationships to support it.

Eid Mubarak.

                                   

Anna & Jolie

I continue to reflect on the days I spent with the girls. I am still thinking about them, 2 in particular but really the children as a group. I found myself locked in twice, once while we were still playing and someone had gone off to the market. The second time both of the workers had returned and so I am not sure exactly how it is we found ourselves locked in. I was ready to leave and calls for the key produced nothing. I sat down next to the girls who were helping carry my stuff to the car and we sang and danced and played drums on the containers. We talked and laughed and I learned a lot of Lingala in those 20 minutes.

Jolie is an older girl, somewhere between 11-14 I would guess, and has the most French. She served as my translator for the most part on Sunday when there was no one else around. With shaven hair and an erect posture she exuded a certain grace and patience. Kindness. Jolie is intelligent and thoughtful, the kind of girl you would be proud to call your daughter.  Anna is a little cutie that appears about 4 but is probably actually closer to 6. She is spunky and fierce and I saw her devilishly tearing around a corner, fleeing one of the girls she had irritated in some way. The pesky little sister.

The problem for me is that, for the most part, these children aren't orphans. Many of them have homes and families, siblings, aunts and uncles, parents. And I can't help but look at Anna and wonder how it is her mother, her father, her aunties---someone---isn't thinking of her, wondering where she is and losing sleep over her absence in the house.

This Ramadan has been especially difficult for me as I've encountered something like a crisis of faith. I have been struggling to put together the pieces that make sense to me and figure out exactly what I can believe in, without doubt. Or maybe doubt is a constant part of having faith. But this struggle only further serves to create a distance between me and families like those of Anna. Often the families have been told by their church that the child is a sorcerer and I just can't imagine having that much faith in something. I can't imagine giving my life over to anyone who would tell me to put my child out. And I don't understand how sleep comes at night.

But I am learning that sometimes understanding is not the path. The folks at ORPER have a program based on reintegration. They work to move kids from the day centers to the home centers and back to their families. It is an arduous process. I don't know how many of the children who are returned end up back on the streets. As always, I land in the middle when trying to determine what is the best placement for kids like these. The cynical part of me believes someone who could be convinced to throw their child away once could be convinced to do it again. The optimist in me believes perhaps there are families out there grateful to have been given a second chance and have their eyes opened to the treasure they have. But I haven't stopped thinking about Anna since I met her three weeks ago. And I know where she is. Most likely her family remains in the dark. They just turned their backs and walked away..... Ramadan mubarak  but it's not really a happy eid. I am struggling with this....

Orphans like me

I am impressed
by orphans like me
that have been flung
into this world
like leaves scattered
into the wind
far from the branches that birthed them
distant from roots that
nourished them
leaving behind our trees
of biological family

I gather these leaves
Their colors and textures
Pleasing in their differences
Rich in their ability to compliment
The skills and talents
We have obtained
through our singular lives

I am impressed
by orphans like me