The silence here is thick and toxic, a smoke drifting through the house threatening to choke me out. I move towards the door to make a quick escape into the crisp night air. But I've nowhere to go really and so I drive. I find parking lots that are well-lit and try to read a newspaper. I pass houses of people I know, happily married couples, and wonder what it is they've got that we're missing.
I don't know how we arrived at this point. It's not just the silence but the distance. We don't even look at each other. Two people sharing space, passing each other blindly and quietly, strangers with children. The few times that the silence has been broken, I find myself lost in a swirling world of fantasy and confusion. I do not understand what he is saying and I cannot comprehend his suspicions.
Reflecting on our short life together, it is hard not to see it as a series of losses. We were a clash of cultures and colors and languages. A charming and passionate beginning. But always there were threatening phone calls and forces pushing on us, trying to break us apart. Initially, I was niavely surprised at the intensity of the bigotry bearing down on us. But I quickly came to see the lethal combination of ignorance and money. I remember one specific phone call..."You want a brown baby? See what happens if you have a brown baby."
Ironically, I was a bit disappointed in the fact that both my little cuties were fair colored newborns. They have grown into bronze little boys that could pass for Hispanic or Arab, maybe Egyptian. Though truly African-American in a very literal sense of the word, they are lighter than many American African- Americans. But this has not deterred the attackers.
The first loss I suffered was custody of my two older children. A power play involving money and time that I just couldn't manufacture. You think you will do anything for your children, but without support and cash you find yourself at the mercy of a system that recognizes neither truth nor justice. It is a capital system based on capitalist principles.
We moved to Florida in hopes of a new life, a chance at the sunny American dream I had come to believe was only a fairy tale. My husband, being a new immigrant, had no doubt the tales were true and attainable. For a time, I survived on his dreams. I missed my children.
We returned to our home, destroyed by renters and soon lost to foreclosure. We had been able to purchase another, which was soon destroyed by arson. There are not many secrets of the world I look forward to being revealed, but this, I'm waiting for God to show me the truth of this. Who can hold such hate that they are moved to burn down a life?
The next loss came in the form of a house as well, a rental this time. He had gone back home to arrange the immigration of his children. I was left here with our two little ones and a mound of expenses. I just couldn't do it alone. We passed the winter with no heat and little food. I could no longer keep up with the insurance or car payments. We lost his. Finally, we moved to a smaller place. He had been gone for 5 months. The distance continued to grow.
I kept thinking of the soldiers off in Iraq. How their families were split for a much more noble (if misguided) cause. But in the midst of our own personal tragedies, our troubles seem big and insurmountable enough. Mostly I was just lonely. He wasn't off fighting a war. I began to suspect he was off on vacation. Maybe somewhere deep inside (really deep) I knew it wasn't true. I became weighted down with the pressure of supporting it all.
I've always had two opposing views of my life. In one I am part of a team, working together to acheive our life long dreams and provide the best loving home we can for our family. We grow old together and laugh at each others idiosyncracies. In another, I am independent. I am alone and never completely understood by those around me. A survivor, as someone once told me. It hasn't meant that I am happy with how my life events have turned out, but it has meant that I continue to strive for my dreams and look to the future.
So I begin to count down the days to my interview. Seven days to find out if I have been accepted to this life changing position. Crossing continents and touching my dream.
