Time is passing incredibilty slowly for me. It is not just the silence of my house but the silence of me. I am supposed to be preparing for what I will do if this whole scheme doesn't work out. Initially I was very caught up in feeling that I already had the position. I have since convinced myself that it is in no way certain and anything could happen. There are hundreds of people trying to get these positions, and they don't have children tagging along, and maybe they are part of a couple, each with something to contribute.
So I am trying to make a plan B. The trouble is that I easily get swept away. I can't really imagine that my husband is leaving, but if it is so, then what is there to keep me here? And if it is not so, do we really have to stay here? I cannot stand another winter. It is so long, so cold, so dark and I am terrible at venturing out into the weather. Cabin fever.
When there are no ties of family or friendship, what do you do? I tend to pick a warm sounding place...something that might have a diverse population. I tend to stay away from places in Texas, Alabama, other equally scary rural parts. Bright lights, big city. America can be a very small place.
The real plan was not to move but to have patience and wait for the right opportunity to arrive. It could take years, I have told myself. But I'm not really a great listener. I am a perfect Taurus. I am so stubborn. And I am incrediblity un-patient; impatient. It is one of my great secrets. People mistake my quiet for all kinds of things. They never seem to truly get it. As a result I have been accused of all kinds of attributes.
I feel frozen with anticipation. I have been here before too. I feel like I have always been here- waiting. Waiting to get on with the real business of living, if only I could take care of this little business first. Of course, it only leads to just another small piece of business which must be attended to before the real business can be taken care of then I can get down to the real living...
I've been trying to figure this out. Why can't I just settle in to where I am? Committ? Yes, I am realizing my committment problems. I can't imagine living out my life in any one place, for any length of time, going to the same job everyday. People do this, people strive for this. I seem to spend all of my time rejecting it. But I have been doing it. I'm here for three years now, really more because we only had one short year away. I've been here forever. Always dreaming of getting away, of some grander place where 'real lives' happen. I know its not true. Small towns across America, across the world really, are filled with people creating lives based on family and friendships.
This is the real problem. I can't manage these relationships. I don't have any friends. (I do have one, she knows who she is.) But I don't have a network, a support system, not even a social chat system. My family? Lost along the way, casualities of the marriage I believe.
I'm not sure I'm making sense here. Perhaps this is bringing out the worst in me. Just lately I have felt I've lost my footing, slipped on uncertain ground. I recognize the slow steps and gradual losses that have brought me here, to this place where I am now. I miss the bits of myself I've lost along the way. I used to be so in tune with my natural environment. Now, I view it from behind my windshield. I used to paint everyday. Now, the paint is for the children and only when I think I can handle the mess. Do I think a trip across an ocean to another continent can help me to renew this sense of myself, this person I've lost?
I used to think that.
